Hello to all today:

I just wanted to extend a warm Happy Holidays to all. I will be leaving for home tomorrow so I probably will not be on for about a week. I am thinking of you all and love you guys!!!!

Thanks for stopping by:
Nik

Hello to all today:

Well it's just another manic Monday! No, not really, today in my world, this is the most beautiful Monday in the world. It seems like everyday is getting better than the last one! Oh happy day.

So how is everyone? Getting ready for Christmas? Or if you are another religion...that too? There is a big fuss about what is acceptible to say around the holiday season. Has it always been this way? Were people so easily offended if someone said "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas", and the other way around too?

Just don't get it. I think if we as a nation are to respect all walks of life and prove that all different types of people can live together in peace, then we should do just that. When someone says "Merry Christmas" to you say it back! Because I assure you that you have said "Happy Holidays" to someone who says "Merry Christmas". And if you don't celebrate Christmas just smile and endure it. Trust me, I think saying "Merry Christmas" in response to one is much better than ignoring them.

Sorry, Forgot why I was here for a sec.

Well Mex and I are taking little brother-in-law to downtown. It may actually be kinda fun. I hope so, try as I might, I just cannot seem to find a common ground with a fourteen year old boy. But I'm not giving hope. There must be something that will work.

{Thinking.....thinking....thinking.....thinking.......thinking......}

Today is a beautiful day! The sun is shining so bright it blinds me as I look out the window. It looks so cold out there, but it's the kind of cold that is worth enduring to have a good time...you know?

Well I guess I better go
Thanks for stopping by
NIk

Hello to all today:

Well, well, well it is that time where I have to face my deepest, darkest fears and venture out into this world.

It's time for Christmas present buying! Wish me luck.

And for all of you sitting at home and watching my boy (Manning) cheer him on for me okay?

Thanks for stopping by:
Nik

Hello to all:

Thank you so much for your kind words yesterday, or rather last night. It means alot to me to know that there are people out here in the world that do not judge me and say it's okay to freak out every once in a while.

Well last night was a rough one. One of the worst I've had in many many years. I just felt all alone. But I am not alone! I have really good friends who care about me and will help with anything I let them help with. (Get it? Maybe I won't let them)

Boyfriend was my light last night! He helped me, and allowed me to examine how I feel. I thought I would share them with you. Ready? Okay!

Five and half years ago, I almost died. Since then I have gone on a trip that many don't have the pleasure of facing, but it's been the best years of my life. There are days when I get too close to those hidden emotions, there are days I wonder why I'm alive. I forget that I am alive only because I am.

There are things that happen in this world that have no explanation. Some people just do bad things, just as some people just do great things. There is no reason, no hidden message from God, it is just life.

When I start looking for answers again, that's usually when my emotions go bad. I try to find answers in death. I examine killers, I watch death everyday, I get addicted to the news, and horror movies like some people get addicted to coffee. Then things start to happen that I just can't understand.

For example, people who want revenge for a lost love will kill another (Yea, I know that's a whole other post). But when things like this happen it makes me question my beliefs. "Why wasn't I murdered? He had opportunity and motive. Why didn't he just pull the damned trigger? He almost did and stopped." I dwell on these things for sometimes weeks. I ask the same questions over and over until I have exhausted my brain and I am weak.

Then I stop believing I should have lived and I loose control. I know it sounds crasy...No it doesn't! It sounds real. This is real, and this is how I feel!

Today, I am going to clean, mostly because cleaning always makes a girl feel better.

Thank you guys so much
Nik

Hello to all:

Today, I am back! I have had much time to think. Sometimes I think too much, or well that is what I have heard.

Today I would like to talk about what I am really thinking. I hope I do not upset anyone, but like many of you said this is my outlet. This is the one place I can talk and no one will judge me.

There was once a time when I was lost. Today I feel like I am lost again. See, there was once a time when I felt alone, I felt like there was no one out there that I could trust.

I was raped...let's start there. I was nine-teen and there was a gun pointed in my face and I not only had to endure the experience but I also had to watch my best friend endure it. I don't think about it much anymore but when I do it usually gets pretty bad.

I get sad and I have pretty bad dreams. I usually stay pretty gone through these times. I try to block out the memory by making memories that are good. For some reason right now, I cannot think of positive things...I get so bored so easily and then I just sit around and think.

...bad thoughts I know. Many of you will not comment because you think I will get offended or you just honestly do not know what to say. And you know what? Thant's okay! People in general do not have to deal with these kind of issues. And that is why it is so hard for me right now! Mostly because I am alone! I have learned that people in general know that bad things happen and when bad things happen it is better to ignore than deal....right?

I tried therapy, but I don't like the steps. You know? The steps of grief. You go through denial, you feel guilt, you get angry, then you forgive! Well I went through the steps in one day! I just can't forget and I want someone to listen! That's all! I just want a friend that will be there for me if I act out or not!

I don't need empathy...I do not need sympathy either...I just need someone who will let me cry, or let me scream if I want. I am ready to forget. That's what I want; moreover, that's what I need.

Sorry for the subject matter, but I am trying to get through this once again.

Thanks for stopping by
Nik